This house was built for laser tag.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
