Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
