i think my tv is drunk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
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I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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