The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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