I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
