i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
