How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
