Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
