i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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