Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
