Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
