R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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