If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!