I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Semen is not good for contacts.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.