Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober