An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
