I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You dont lie about slip and slides
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
