I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
