My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
