saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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