I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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