thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
