I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
