i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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