So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
