tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
