I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
