This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
