That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.