Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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