It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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