Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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