how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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