Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
