i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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