my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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