After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
