an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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