guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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