she was so not down for the gang bang
i was born a porn star she said
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
