My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
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I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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