hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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