im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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