I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
