I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
