Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He better not be in your backpack
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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