mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
