i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize