1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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