Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
