So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
