I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
