nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
