i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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