Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
